10
Jul
10

FUNNY Random Day-To-Day Sh*t You Get from INSANE Clients… LOLZ!

These are compiled convo of client(s) that a friend gets to deal with from time to time…

Me: What did you think of my recommendations?
Client: Hated them. Can’t execute any.
Me: “Uh…well, what about our design mockups?
Client: Not one is remotely feasible.
Me: Well, did you at least get my Thank You Card?
Client: I’m allergic to “Thank You’s”. Also, I hate Hallmark.
Me: So why did you hire me?
Client: Coz I hate the world.
——————-

Me: We finished optimizing your niche product website.
Client: Great! How’s it working?
Me: We’ve increased traffic by 100%.
Client: Excellent. Double it!
Me: Excuse me? Client: Double it!
Me: But we just did…
Client: Yes, but we’re only halfway to our revenue goal.
Me: I see. What about selling to China?
——————-

Client: we want social media.
Me: Ok, I’ll be glad to set everything up for you, but who will be creating the content and maintaining the content… and interacting with the community?
Client: (deer in headlights)
Me: Social Media involves people. You need to interact with people.
Client: Can’t you do that?
Me: no, the other xxx sites have me tied up right now
Client: we’ll put videos on youtube. I’ll add friends on facebook, but you’ll have to show me how.
Me: Oh my!
——————-

Mon – Me: “We can have this done next Friday” client: “I need it this Friday” me: “We’ll see what we can do.”
Tue – client: “Friday, right?” me: “See what we can do.”
Wed – client: “Friday, right?” me: “Not looking good, but we’ll see what we can do.”
Thu – client: “Friday, right?” me: “We’ll get it done.”
Fri – me [after three consecutive all-nighters]: “Here it is!”
Weekend – nothing
Mon – nothing
Tue – nothing
Wed – me: “Any feedback?”
Thu – nothing
Fri – nothing
client: “Haven’t had a chance to review yet, but will sometime next week.
——————-

client: can we have that site up by the end of the week me: well, that’s a huge rush, send over the material asap and I’ll see what I can do
Mon: crickets chirp
Tue: crickets chirp
Me: hey, where is that material? subject? copy, content, info anything????
Wed: crickets chrip
Thu: client: I’ll get that to you. we are really busy. can you still do it by the end of this week? just make something up.
Me: screaming
——————-

Me: “What did you think of my recommendations?”
Client: “Hated them. Can’t execute any.”
Me: “Uh…well, what about our design mockups?”
Client: “Not one is remotely feasible.”
Me: “Well, did you at least get my Thank You Card?”
Client: “I’m allergic to “Thank You’s”. Also, I hate Hallmark.”
Me: “So why did you hire me?”
Client: “Coz I hate the world.”
——————-

Client: I need a blog
Me: Okay, do you have something to write about?
Client: Ill write all about my business, ill write morning noon and night.
(train the client)
(wait 3 weeks)
Client: Oh yeah, we have a blog… what do I do with it?

——————-

Client: “I’ve got to get an AJAX on my site right away!”
Me: “Do you know what AJAX is?”
Client: “It’s that sink cleaner, right? If it’s cheaper, get me some Comet with bleach or maybe some of those scrubbing bubbles!”

——————-

Client: I want #1 rankings
Me: Well actually it looks like you’re getting great click through and conversion rates from the position you’re currently at, so I don’t know how much moving up a couple spots will help you out. I mean, if anything, you could focus on usability and worry more about the customer experience on your site
Client: I want #1 rankings
Me: Sigh. Okay, I’ll see what I can do
——————-

Client: “This site design is really incredible.”
Me: “Why thank you! I’m glad you like it!”
Client: “Really, this is just great work.”
Me: “Aw, well thanks.”
Client: “I just love it…buuuuuuut…I really want the whole thing to be in Flash.”
Me: “Again, I really appreciate your–wait, WHAT?”
——————-

Client: we want social media.
Me: Ok, I’ll be glad to set everything up for you, but who will be creating the content and maintaining the content… and interacting with the community?
Client: (deer in headlights)
Me: Social Media involves people. You need to interact with people.
Client: Can’t you do that?
Me: no, the other xxx sites have me tied up right now
Client: we’ll put videos on youtube. I’ll add friends on facebook, but you’ll have to show me how.
Me: Oh my!
——————-

Client: can we have that site up by the end of the week me: well, that’s a huge rush, send over the material asap and I’ll see what I can do

Mon: crickets chirp
Tue: crickets chirp
Me: hey, where is that material? subject? copy, content, info anything????
Wed: crickets chrip
Thu: client: I’ll get that to you. we are really busy. can you still do it by the end of this week? just make something up.

Me: screaming.. WTF?!
——————-

Client: We’d like to write all our content by hand and scan it in, to make it look more personal.
Me: A little piece of me just died.
Client: What?
Me: Nothing.
——————-

Client: I want top organic Google ranking for the word “Graffiti”
Me: Sure, that is no problem at. Do you want to be number 1 or number 3 or what?
Client: I want number 1, and can you get that for me in a week or 2 as this can be a busy time for me.\
Me: Sure, no problem. Got a pen, as I need you to follow some instructions. SEO is a team effort you know.
Client: Cool. Ready to take notes.
Me: Ok. First, buy 100,000 shares of Google stock. Once you have these secured call me. I will then contact Google for you and let them know that you request a number 1 ranking for the single phrase ‘Graffiti’ as you are now a major stock holder. If they do not grant you that position, then we will tell them you are selling your 100,000 shares of Google stocks of Google stock to Yahoo!.
Client: So you are saying that my keyword may not get a number 1 ranking if I hire you?
Me: BINGO. try talking to Guy Kawasaki. He can help.
——————-

Me: OK, what have we here? A website selling rubber arm bands…
Client: Em, we don’t call them rubber arm bands anymore. We prefer “swimming training aids”.
Me: But everyone else calls them rubber arm bands… People will search for rubber arm bands… Nobody searches for swimming training aids
Client: SWIMMING TRAINING AIDS!
——————-

Me: I am huddled here in my think tank to define your project on a top level. What particular needs can you identify?
Client: I would like my website to look like Apple’s and/or Nike’s please. An animated/flash website would do. And also, I need a customize widget that could completely make my website unique, a program that visitors can design their own watches. My budget is $300.
Me: WTF?!!
——————-

Client: ”The site is looking great! However, I’m a bit confused. I thought you said the design was done.”
Me: ”Yep, the ‘visual’ design is complete. Was there something bothering you about it?”
Client: ”Oh no! The design is great, everyone loves it! However, it doesn’t seem to be finished. There are a bunch of pages that look wrong.”
Me: ”How so? Could you show me?”
[The client proceeds to click through his site and eventually comes to an external link that takes the user to Amazon.com]
Client: ”This page looks nothing like our site.”
Me: ”[somewhat confused] That’s because it’s not your site.”
Client: ”But we just got here from our site. Can’t you make it look like ours?”
Me: ”I’m afraid not. That would be like walking over to your neighbor’s home and re-landscaping their yard and painting their house to match your own.”
Client: ”Oh…well that sucks.”

——————-

Me: “Here are the designs, and, with your approval, we’ll code them and put them up in a couple of days.”
Client: “Why aren’t they up now?”
Me: “We require client approval before we put up the final product, in order to make any changes.”
Client: “I wanted it up yesterday.”
Me: “Well, this is the first time that we’ve had a chance to meet in person and go over the designs.”
Client: “But I wanted it put up yesterday.”
Me: “I had emailed these to you for approval, but you never responded.”
Client: “I thought you would just put it up.”
Me: “Not without your approval, sir.”
Client: “Well, put it up.”

A week later.

Client: “You know what, there are a few changes I need you to make… I can’t believe you put that up.”

——————–

Me: “Okay, let’s start from the beginning. Is your computer’s power cable plugged in?”
Client: “Yes.”
Me: “What is it plugged in to?”
Client: “The power strip.”
Me: “Is the power strip on?”
Client: “Yes. It is in the on position, but no lights are lit up.”
Me: “What is the power strip plugged in to?”
Client: “The power strip…”

——————–

Me: “The password is ‘123456’.”
Client: “Upper or lower case?”

——————–

Client: “I want you to add these animated gifs to the website. They will look great.”
Me: You do know that this is bad for your reputation?”
Client: “Add them, now. Our website must look ‘alive’.”

——————–

Client: “Yes but it’s not moving when I move the mouse. I’m using a mousepad and everything!”
Me: “Look underneath the mouse. Does it have a ball or a light?”
Client: “Underneath? The ball is on top!”
Me: “Please turn the mouse right-side-up, so the ball is facing the ground.”

——————–

Client: “We ran the ad you designed in a magazine and no one bought our product, so we would like a refund on what we paid you and we will be taking our business elsewhere.”
Us: “Maybe the ad didn’t work because you are selling hunting and fishing supplies and you put the ad in a women’s home magazine.”
Client: “That’s because we heard that women make most purchasing decisions in the home. So clearly the problem was with your ad. I’ll be expecting a check.”

——————–

Scene: Trendy restaurant in NYC, we are sitting with our prospective client who is with her “marketing consultant” at a dinner meeting. Prospective client has already downed two drinks in rapid fashion.

Client: “Our product is going to become ubiquitous in the marketplace. We need millions of customers.”
Us: “That is great, how do you plan to achieve this goal?”
Marketing Consultant: “We are going to use the power of the web.”
Client: “Yes we want you to help us harness the ‘power of the web’ to get this product out there.”
Us: “Can you be more specific? There are many tactics…….”
Client: “The power of the web is it.”
Us: The “power of the web??”

——————–

Client: “Make the numbers in our phone number capitalized to stand out more”
Me: “That’s not possible…”
Client: “Just hold the SHIFT key and type our phone number!”

——————–

Client: “We like it, but could you make all the links look exactly the same as paragraph text?”
Me: “Ah, then no one will know they are links, or know how to navigate your site?”
Client: “They will if you make the pointer change when they hover the links.”
Me: “But they won’t hover the words on a page unless they know it’s a link in the first place?”
Client: “Trust me, I’ve been doing this a long time, kid. It’s called SEO.”

——————–

Client : I’d like you to take our email address off the website. We don’t won’t people bothering us with questions.

——————–

Client: “I need a web banner to go on randomsite.com”
Me: “OK, no problem. What are the specs?”
Client: “Specs?”
Me: “Yeah, you know, width, height, files size limitations what you want on it. Basically all of the information so we don’t get it sent back to us.”
Client: “Jesus Christ you always complicate things, why can’t you ever just do it!”

——————–

Client: “$50?! That’s kind of steep don’t you think?”
Me: “No. It takes me about two hours to draw them.”
Client: “Well, what’s your hourly rate? I need to save money.”
Me: “$25 an hour.”
Client: “Good. I think we can work with that.”

——————–

Me: “Okay, so here are some rough concepts I’ve worked up. Once you’ve -“
Client (interrupting): “What the hell am I looking at? These look like scribbles my five-year-old could do.”
Me: “Oh, they’re just roughs to get the concept figured out, once we have that done I’ll begin work on the finished piece.”
Client: “How am I supposed to decide which illustration I like if I can’t see them all finished. Finish them and then I’ll decide which one to use.”
Me: “Well, I can certainly do that, but just so you’re aware, I will have to raise my fees to cover the cost of bringing each of these concepts to a finish.”
Client: “Who do you think you are to make demands?! I’m the client, I get to make the demands! It’s not like this is a real job anyway, all you’re doing is drawing.”

——————–

Client: “So here’s the deal: my company has just given me $7,000 to spend on this project, but since you only charged us $3500, why don’t you just write me a receipt for $7,000 and I’ll give you back the difference and manage the rest of the money myself.”
Me: “I don’t know, that doesn’t seem right. Is there anyway I can deal with your employer personally?”
Client: “Fuck you! Are you threatening me?”

——————–

Client: ”How much do you charge to install Windows on a computer?”
Me: “$85”
Client: ”Is it going to be legal?”
Me: ”Yes.”
Client: “How much do you charge for a pirated copy?”
Me: ”$10,000 or 10 years in prison.”

——————–

Client: A contact has a friend thats tight with Google so he’ll get us to the top ranking.
Me: I don’t think it works like that.
Client: Don’t worry, we have it covered. My friend’s friend is tight with that Zakenburger kid from Myspace.

——————–

While developing an affiliate website for one of our mobile network clients, my employer came over and reviewed the site we were building.

Boss: “I think we need to have some sort of avatar on the home page, to welcome the users to the site.”
Me: “Okay, no problem. Was there anything you had in mind?”
Boss: “Well since sex sells, I would like to have a slim, sexy cartoon woman holding a mobile phone.”

[I proceeded to create this sexy avatar.]

Me: “I’ve finished the avatar. Was this what you were after?”
Boss: “That’s nice but it’s not what I was after.”
Me: “Okay. What are you looking for then?”
[My Boss then loaded up his internet browser and Google searched an image of a small, chubby, animated duck holding a mobile phone.]
Me: “I thought you wanted a sexy woman?”
Boss: “I do.”
Me: “So you want a cross between a sexy woman and a fat, yellow duck?”

——————–

Client: “Don’t use sky blue as a background color, we don’t like it. I assume you did this is because of a ‘feel good factor’.”
Me: “Don’t you want your customers to feel good?”
Client: “That’s not essential as long as they spend their money.”

——————–

Me: “Well sir, the total for your new logo, business cards and menu designs is $350.”
Client: “Are you kidding me? The reason I chose a student designer was to get something cheap, plus help you out for your portfolio. I could have went to a professional and paid much less.”
Me: “Um, that’s not true. I spent a lot of time dealing with your daughter who insisted on multiple revisions to the logo, and you ended up with a look that everyone is pleased with. This same project might have cost you 10 times the amount I’m charging you. I think it’s a great deal.”
Client: “I highly doubt that. It’s just words and colors. Plus, our satisfaction has nothing to do with the amount we pay you. I’ll send you a check for what I think is fair.”

I got a check for 100 bucks. With “here you go asshole” written in the memo.

——————–

Client: “What is going on with my website? It looks all wrong!”
Me: “It was working just fine yesterday, let’s take a look.”
Us: “Let’s take a look… (We download a page, check out the code). Well, it looks as if someone’s gone in and deleted some of the code that makes the site work.”
Client: “Yeah, that was me, I was getting rid of some of your unnecessary code… why isn’t the site working?”

——————–

Client: “I take it, since I haven’t heard from you, that you are not interested in building my website.”
Me: “I told you I wasn’t interested when I left your office. I can’t imagine why you expected to hear from me.”
Client: “Well, have you changed your mind about working on it?”
Me: “Have you changed your mind about wanting me to do it for free?”
Client: “You would get stock.”
Me: “You don’t HAVE stock. It doesn’t work that way.”
Client: “Well, I am faxing you a non-disclosure agreement.”
Me: “Okay. Why?”
Client: “So you don’t steal my presentation materials and pass them off as your own.”
Me: “I never received any presentation materials.”
Client: “Yes, you did. I showed you the presentation in my office.”
Me: “Are you under the impression that I memorized and re-created your powerpoint presentation?”
Client: “Well, just don’t.”

——————–

Client: It was my mum’s 60th at the weekend and I filmed two hours of party footage and vox pops of my family sending her best wishes. I want you to turn in into a 10-15 minute video, I’ll give you £30.
Me: That’s nowhere near enough for my time. [I usually do 2-3 nightclub promos for £100].
Client: Yeah but it’s a present for my mum so I can’t afford to pay as much.
Me: I’ve never met your mum and I’m not willing to give her £70 worth of my time, especially if you’re only putting up £30 of your own money for it.
Client: I’m not asking you to give my mum £70, just do her video. I’m paying £30 of my own money. And I’m thinking of starting a business filming birthdays, this’ll definitely lead to more work, I promise.

——————–

Me: “If you could send me a check or use Paypal, that’d be great.”
Client: “Well, I don’t really trust Paypal or like mailing checks out. Can you come pick it up in person?”
Me: “We’re 4 states apart and it’s a 12 hour drive…”
Client: “It’s a nice drive though! You’ll like it, I promise. See you tomorrow!”

——————–

Client: “I need to know the exact amount of time it took you and that is what I will pay you for.”
Me: “I am sorry, but I told you that I work by the hour. I don’t work by the minute.”
Client: ”I will pay you for the minutes it took you and not the hour. How long did it take you?”
Me: “60 minutes.”

——————–

Client: “Whats your fees to do this template?”
Me: “$40 per hour.”
Client: “Thats steep. How do I know you won’t bill me for extra hours.”
Me: “If you want to be sure you can come and watch.”
Client: “No wiseguy, give me a call whenever you start working on it and whenever you take breaks. I will keep count of the hours.”
——————–

Boss charges into my office furiously, two days after the company site goes live.
Boss: “Carl just showed me that people can right-click our site and view all our code.”
Me: “Well, yes, that’s how web browsers work.”
Boss: “Take the whole thing down, now! I’ll be damned if I’m going to give our competitors all our god-damn code!”

——————–

Client: “I want a way to track all the people that come to my site. Names, addresses, telephone numbers and cell phone.”
Us: “Well, there are some tools to capture visitor information but not to that level unless the viewer supplies that to you. They would have to register at the site and that kills page views.”
Client: “I don’t know why this is so fucking hard! You are the 5th firm to tell us that! Its fucking 2009, can’t anyone make the internet work right?”

——————–

Client: “I have patented an exciting new marketing technique, the [Coupon Puzzle]. Consumers will receive envelopes with puzzle pieces that they will have to assemble to find out what the coupon is. Have you ever designed a puzzle before?”
Me: “I can’t say that I have, but it shouldn’t be a problem. Can you give me specifics on the file set-up from your printing company?”
Client: “Actually, I’d like for you to design the [coupon puzzle] first, then you can market your design to businesses in your area. I was thinking [coupon puzzles] would work great on pizza boxes, in local newspaper racks, gas stations etc. Once you make some sales, we can determine the quantity to print. These [coupon puzzles] are really going to be the next big thing in the coupon industry, even the executives at Valpak thought it was a great idea. And you are going to have a monopoly in your area. You will keep 5% of all sales you make.”
Me: “So.. you want me to design the piece, sell the product, and handle the printing? And my pay would be based on sales?”
Client: “Yes.”

——————–

Client: “We want out home page to be very minimalistic. We like lots of white space, and only the most important elements. It should look like Google – basically, a logo and one or two other important things.”
Me: “Great! In that case, what would you consider to be the one or two most important things?”
Client: “Rotating article carousel, dropdown menus, power search, forum list, latest forum posts, member sign-up, news ticker, event countdown, testimonials, featured VIP member, RSS news feed, and four blocks of advertising.”

——————–

Client: “We’d like you to make the About Us and Why Buy From Us pages password protected and only viewable by people who have signed up.”
Me: “But how will people know if they want to sign up if they don’t know anything about you or your service?”
Client: “Look, we don’t want any tire kickers.”

——————–

Me: “Good afternoon, we’ve noticed that you haven’t paid the entire amount due on your bill.”
Client: ”We haven’t received an invoice.”
Me: ”Then how did a check show up with the invoice number on it in the memo field? We appreciate the timely payment, but it’s about 75 dollars short of the payment due.”
Client: ”You know this is a church group right? We don’t have to pay taxes, and you realize you go to hell for lying, right?”

Me: ”Well if you check the invoice, there is no sales tax applied, but you realize you go to hell for theft too, correct?”

——————–

Designed a simple web banner for their etsy shop and a few days later…
Client: “The banner looks terrible its all fuzzy and you cant read it.”
Me: “Thats odd because Im looking at your etsy shop now and it looks great.”
Client: ”No not that one, I also had it printed into a 1.5 meter long banner to hang over my stall at the market. Looks horrible!”

——————–

Client: “So I’m thinking that for the navigation we should have a guy with a dog head, kind of like one of those dog butlers, come dancing out and start tossing letters around. These letters can then form the site navigation buttons!”
Me: “To sell real estate?”

——————–

Client: “When can you have the website live?”
Me: “Well, looking at our calendar and available dates, I think we should have it completed no later than the 8th of June.”
Client: “Okay, well that’s too late – we definitely need the website live by the end of May.”
Me: “Well, today is Friday and the last working day of May…”
Client: “Look, if you can’t stick to simple deadlines, then this isn’t going to work.”

——————–

Client: “I decided I want one of the illustrations you already did for my logo and I am going to use it for the background on my checks.”
Me: “A logo is usually a simple graphic used to represent your business, in your case, the book series and characters. The illustrations are a bit too detailed for that purpose. How about I simplify the characters and series title and create a logo?”
Client: “Why can’t you just shrink the picture down to the size of the check?”
Me: “The artwork is 12” square and proportionally will not work in a rectangle.”
Client: “Wait, hold on… you know I don’t understand you when you use those technical terms.”
Me: “By proportionally I mean…”
Client: “No not that word, the other one you said. It won’t work in a what?”
Me: “Rectangle?”
Client: “Yes.”
Me: “Um, a rectangle is the shape of your checkbook.”
Client: “Oh ok.”

——————–

Client: ”Good God! Is this website going to be made of gold or something?”
Me: ”Ahh, no. Is there something wrong with the design?”
Client: ”No, its the price! We are a charity! You can’t make charities pay for things. You’re suppose to give them to us for free!”

——————–

This conversation occurred after receiving a retainer check that was short $1000 from the agreed upon amount, and had a post-it stuck to it informing me that they had decided to pay me in cash.

Client: We decided to pay you in cash, which means that we can have a 20% – 30% discount on your services.
Me: How so?
Client: Well, since you won’t report the income, that will save you money. We figure that you’re in a 30% tax bracket, so we can certainly reduce your fee by that amount as you would be making more money.
Me: That’s not how it works.
Client: Oh yes it is.
Me: Um, I am not in the practice of giving cash discounts, plus, you just sent me a check.
Client: You mean you won’t do this?
Me: No.
Client: So you’re trying to rip me off?
Me: You were the one who decided to pay cash and decided that you were getting the discount.
Client: [Yelling] Okay, fine. Forget we every had this conversation. [Hangs up on me]

——————–

The client sent me a 30+MB file that my mail server could not support. I suggested he send the file via You Send It.

Client: I have not had time to do that.

I must say, I find it very strange that you don’t have the equipment to open a simple picture. How can I be trusting you with my website, when you don’t have the ability to even open and post a picture? I’m very confused by this. Also, I do pay you to build and maintain the site, and so you should have the equipment necessary to do so. It is implied that you SHOULD have and understand the equipment and programs needed to develop, support and protect the sites you are responsible for. Then you tell me you can’t open a picture? That does not sit well with me.

Do you understand my growing concern?

——————–

Me: ”When you click on the button it takes you to the Paypal donation page that you set up.”
Client: “What do you mean? I don’t want the donate button to do this, I want it to automatically charge their card. These are seniors they won’t understand this if I don’t. You can’t have them type stuff in.”
Me: “But you wanted to go with Paypal because you couldn’t afford a secured shopping cart website. Either way, at some point they will have to type in their information.”

Client: ”Can’t you just take their credit card information without them knowing? That way they won’t get confused.”

——————–

Client: ”Your rates are too high! I’ll do the design myself, and then you can do the implementation.”
Me: ”Okay, that’s fine, just send me the files when you’re finished.”
Client: ”Just one question- how many centimeters is a pixel?”

——————–

When designing a website for a client, the client initially expressed that he wanted to use Burgundy.

Client: This isn’t right. You know the color blood red?
Me: Yeah, I think I know what you’re talking about.
Client: Yeah, I love blood red. I want the logo to look like that. Do you know what it would look like if you took a paintbrush and dipped it in blood, and smeared it downwards? How the blood would be darkest in the center, and there would be splatters of blood and lighter shades of blood around it?

Me: You want a gradient?
Client: No, I want it to look like the blood of all our victims.
Me: I’m sorry, what?
Client: You know, from all the bugs we’ve terminated.
Me: Oh.

——————–

Client: ”I was thinking that I could pay you in Groceries.”
Me: (Laughter) “You’re joking right?”
Client: ”I don’t see what is so hilarious here sir.”
Me: ”I apologize, honestly sir, that is one of the most ridiculous methods of payment I have ever heard.”
Client: ”Really? I think it is quite sane.”
Me: ”Well, are you talking about like a grocery store gift card?”
Client: ”No, I just came into the wealth of $300 of carrots and $450 of potatoes.”

——————–

Client: ”Can you make the ‘About Us’ link say ‘About Us – Everyone welcome’?”
Me: “Sure, but…why?”
Client: ”I’m afraid people might not know they’re allowed to click that link. They might think it’s private. We need them to know it’s okay for them to go there.”
Me: ”But none of the links on your site are private. Why are you concerned with that specific one?”
Client: “Good point. You’d better add ‘Everyone welcome’ to all the links on the site.”

——————–

Client: ”I’m very disappointed in you not responding to my urgent emails! I flagged them URGENT!”
Me: “Uh, we’re technically not open for another half hour, what time did you send the emails?”
Client: ”Around 3am! I’ve been waiting FIVE HOURS for you to respond! You’re hardly treating it as urgent!”

——————–

Client: ”I love the job you did! Thanks so much!”
Me: ”Great! Best of luck with it! I sent you the invoice. We did more than what we had agreed to and did not charge you for it.”
Client: ”Yes, and as soon as I get your expenses, I will pay you.”
Me: ”What do you mean by our expenses?”
Client: ”Well, I need to get what you paid for materials, etc. so I know if what you are charging me is fair.”
Me: ”But we agreed to a price and you agreed to it and thought it was fair, we delivered more than the price we agreed to and you love it? I’m not going to give you what we paid for materials, printing, etc? When you go to a restaurant and order a meal and eat it, do you ask for the price of the lobster and ingredients when the bill comes before you’ll pay?”
Client: ”What I do or do not do in restaurants is not relevant. First of all, I never order lobster. Second, you don’t understand how business works. You really need to understand business better. I won’t pay until I see what your costs were.”

——————–

Client: “The cost is very high, we can save costs by getting our guy to design it.”
Web designer: “That’s possible, would save some amount of money.”
Client: “Yeah, he’s an illustrator but I am sure he can do web-design, it’s all the same art stuff anyway.”

——————–

Me: Hi. I was wondering if you received the invoices I sent, we are going on almost 4 months. I know it’s only $200, but if you could pay it, we’d appreciate it.
Client: “Yes, I received it but I am not going to pay it yet.”
Me: “Why is that? Was there a problem?”
Client: “No, well I do not need to use it yet so I will pay you when I need to use it.”
Me: “Listen, I really need you to pay the invoice. Our terms are due upon receipt as we discussed.”
Client: “I am not sure when I will need to start using the design you did, but when I do I will pay you don’t worry.”
Me: “Yeah, well, we did the work and we need to get paid regardless of when or if you use it. If a plumber fixes your toilet you don’t tell them you will pay them as soon as you need to go to the bathroom do you?”
Client: “That’s disgusting! My bathroom habits are none of your business and as soon as I use what you sent me you will get paid.”

——————–

Client: ”So I just wrote my first post on the blog you made for us. Can you publish it to all RSS feeds?”
Me: ”Do you mean publish it to your RSS feed? Because that happens automatically.”
Client: ”No, I mean ALL RSS feeds. Like every one on the internet.”
Me: ”That’s not possible.”
Client: ”Yes it is, I read an article about how RSS is the equivalent of newspapers on the internet, so if I post something everyone on the internet should see it, just like everyone reading a newspaper would see the front page.”
Me: ”Er… that’s not really true, that’s not how RSS works.”
Client: ”Well then this whole “blog” thing isn’t what I paid you to do, then, is it?”

——————–

Client: “That logo looks awesome, thanks! We’re going to go with that design.”
Me: “Great, I’ll put the high res files on a CD and drop it off to your office this afternoon, and you can write me a cheque for payment.”
Client: “Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. We think that instead of “traditional” payment, we would like to put you on the Barter System.”
Me: “But you agreed to my costs weeks ago.”
Client: “Wouldn’t you like a new TV instead? We could get you one. Or maybe one of our other suppliers could fix your guttering or something?”

Me: ”I already have a TV, a new one isn’t going to feed my family. I think I’ll take a cheque as agreed.”
Client: “But the Barter System has been around, like, forever. You scratch my back, I scratch yours.”
Me: “Maybe I should try this Barter System. Tell you what, instead of paying me, you can come around to my house and cook me dinner every night for a month.”
Client: “…”
Me: “Hello?”
Client: ”So how much do I make the cheque out for?”

——————–

Me: ”I will create a login box on your website. Once someone registers and logs in, the website will recognize who the user is and provide relevant content.”
Client: ”That sounds great. However, instead of a login box I’d like to use biometrics to identify the user.”
Me: ”Not sure what you mean.”
Client: ”When someone visits the website, I want them to be able to put their hand on the monitor. The monitor will then scan their hand to confirm who they are. I think that would be a lot more engaging. How much extra would that functionality cost?”
Me: ”Several hundred million dollars.”
Client: Why are you being a wiseass? Can you do it or not?
Me: ”No. Sorry. That’s a little too advanced.”
Client: ”Fine. I’ll try another web designer.”

——————–

Client: “I studied design, so basically I know what I want.”
Me: “Sure, now what do you want exactly?”
Client: “Your the designer, you come up with the idea, but for your sake, it better match up with my idea.”
Me: [Astonished Silence]

——————–

Mid-way through a project after 3 months with no contact from the client due to him being off work on sick-leave.

Client: ”Ok let’s get this site finished!”
Me: ”Sure, I’m fully booked at the moment but I’d be happy to book you in for the end of next month.”
Client: ”What are you talking about? Let’s get this done by Friday!”
Me: ”Well like I said, I’m fully booked with other clients at the moment but I’d be happy to block out some time for you at the end of next month.”
Client: ”Are you fucking joking? I fucking paid you your fucking money to do this site, I come first!”
Me: ”Well I’m afraid that as I haven’t heard from you for 3 months, I did have to take on some other clients in order to actually keep my business running, I can’t just blow them off, and you actually haven’t paid me in full, there’s still over £500 outstanding.”
Client: ”That’s not fucking good enough.”
Me: ”I’m really sorry, that’s the best I can do.”
Client: ”How about I come round there and kick your fucking head in? Would that move things along?”
Me: ”I’m afraid not, no.”

——————–

Client: “I would like to have our home page come up with some information in a hockey puck that flies around the screen. I’d like the user to have to chase the puck with a hockey stick for a cursor and whack it to let them in the site.”
Me: “I’m going to do everything in my power to talk you out of doing that.”

——————–

Client: “Sorry to cancel at the last minute, but we felt your contract was just… too legal.”
Me: “Well, I should hope so… what exactly was the problem?”
Client: “I mean it’s not very flexible – you ask for payment on such and such a date with this 5% monthly penalty if we don’t make it… it’s all just too legal.”

——————–

Client: ”Obviously we need the site to be deeply spiritual. The use of a cross is obvious and although perhaps over-used we would like to go with that… Also perhaps some Saints, figurines… You get the idea?”
Designer: ”Do you have any specific Saint’s in mind?”
Client: ”No, just run with it… after all we all worship the same god right?
Designer: ”Actually no, I am atheist. Is this a problem?”
Client: ”Oh, erm, you´re one of THEM are you? Hmm that is a problem people who abandon the word of god are in league with the Devil, and if you designed our site… well, it would make it sinful, a place of deception… No… erm, maybe you would like to discuss your hatred of God? Then perhaps I could convince you of the true path.”
Designer: ”I cannot hate something which does not exist.”
Client: ”I see. No, we need a designer who is…you know, not in league with the devil.

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